What Does Pushing Boundaries in BDSM Mean?

In some of the (mostly online) discussions I’ve seen around BDSM & kink, there’s a sticking point that seems to come up over and over. What does it mean when people say that they get turned on by “pushing boundaries”? I think this is worth unpacking because there are at least two different meanings to that term and that often seems to be one reason for conversations getting stuck.

One of the ways that people use that phrase is somewhat similar to what a friend of mine describes as her role as a personal trainer. She works with people to “push their boundaries” and expand their capacities to perform whatever task they’ve agreed on. It might mean running a little longer, or lifting more weight, or doing more crunches. Whatever the specifics are for a particular client, my friend knows that growth happens when we stretch outside our comfort zones and follow the ever-shifting edge. And as a client gains speed or skill or strength, pushing the boundary has to change in response.

Of course, as a trained fitness expert, my friend knows that leaning into the edge can easily go too far and become an injury. She talks with her clients and closely observes them in order to figure out where their real physical limits are, what they believe they are capable of, and develops a plan to help them discover where their perceptions are holding them back. But at the end of it all, both she and her clients might talk about it as “pushing boundaries” or “pushing limits.”

The same thing can happen in kink. If a top is doing a scene with someone who wants to explore the edges of their capacity, the top can similarly bring them to their perceived limits and invite them into that zone where transcendence takes place. It really doesn’t matter what the specific practice is, either. For some, it might mean doing it with the lights on or keeping their eyes focused on their reflection in the mirror. For others, it might mean getting paddled to the point of deep bruising. Edge play can take a lot of forms. But whatever the method, facilitating someone’s ability to go beyond their perceived limits can be a profoundly moving experience and a lot of people make it part of their BDSM lives.

Just as my personal trainer friend plans a program based on an understanding of her client’s needs and goals, a skilled top will plan a scene by taking their partner’s experience, physical and emotional capacity, well-being, and desires into account. After all, if you want to bring someone into new terrain, it’s important to know where they’ve been and what they want to get out of it.

On the other hand, “pushing boundaries” is also used to describe what happens when people ignore clearly stated limits. Given the many factors that reinforce the cultural dynamics that tell us that men are supposed to test and push potential sexual partners’ boundaries (usually, but not exclusively women), it’s really easy to see how that phrase can take on a different meaning. It’s also easy to see how that can lead to miscommunications, triggers, and flame wars on the internet.

Last night, I was talking with someone about a guy she had been making out with during a date. When she started to pull away from him because she wanted to stop, he put his hands on her hips and pulled her back. There are many possible reasons why he thought that was something he should do, and not all of them are malicious. Given how many women have told me that they expect a man to challenge their limits, or play hard for a bunch of different reasons, I can understand why some men who have no intention of actually assaulting someone might do something similar.

At the same time, there are predators. There are people of all genders who get off on blasting past someone’s boundaries or who simply prioritize their desires over another person’s safety and well-being. Some of these folks use kink as a smokescreen in order to make it seem as if their actions are the same as the top whose goal is transcendence.

The key difference, of course, is the motivation behind it. Do they want to collaboratively create an experience that brings joy, pleasure, self-awareness, and passion? Do they want to take what they want without regard for the effects that has on the other person? Do they see their partner as a person whose needs and well-being are equal to theirs, or do they see them as someone to use for their own purposes?

Given that “pushing boundaries” is used in these two rather different ways, it makes sense that there’s a lot of confusion around what it means. And since one of the sticking points in discussions about kink centers on consent and sexual assault, I think that it’s time that we find better ways to describe what we mean. I’d like to find a way to talk about the transcendence of our perceived limits within the terrain of kink, consent, communication, and joy, while distinguishing that from assault. Though perhaps that’s overly optimistic. It’s possible that the predators will simply adopt whatever new language is created in order to camouflage themselves.

One of the difficulties is that unless someone has undergone a transcendent experience, talking about it in those terms makes no sense. I know that I’ve seen some eyes glaze over when I use that phrase, but there really doesn’t seem to be anything in between that and “pushing boundaries.” So let me ask you- how do you talk about this? What phrases do you find useful? And which ones work (if any) when you’re talking with people with no personal experience with kink? What about with people who assume that BDSM is inherently violent? What works for you?